Audi says the A1 Citycarver is a car “for the urban jungle”. Not knowing where the urban jungle is, I googled it and found out it’s a garden centre and cafe near Norwich. And you thought the Honda Jazz was the transport of choice for garden centre fans.
I’m not entirely sure that you need a souped-up small car that looks like Baymax in armor to drive down the A11, but Audi has a habit of finding niches and filling them.
I’m kidding. The Audi A1 Citycarver is actually a Rover Streetwise for people who are too young to remember the Rover Streetwise. You didn’t realise you needed an Audi Streetwise, but the marketing commandos are deployed to ensure you spend every waking hour wondering how you managed without one.
Citycarver? Depending on your age, you either think of a detective chief inspector from The billor a media mogul from Tomorrow never dies. Or maybe you think it sounds like the name of a shady character in Crime Watch.
But don’t worry, the A1 Citycarver is not much more than a city-ready Audi A1 with 4 cm more ground clearance, body cladding that makes it look like an A1 Allroad, and front-wheel drive that ensures it isn’t one.
Prices start at £22,040, which isn’t a lot for an Audi, but add a few extras and accessories and you’re looking at £30,000, which is a lot for a small car. Even one with the Audi badge.
All of this sounds like the Audi A1 Citycarver is giving me an irrational desire to throw a hot pie at the wall and mutter about the days before Audi became as popular as a Kylie Jenner Instagram post.
But I’m not too worried about the Jim Carver. I have a feeling it could steal sales from the Audi Q2, which could be the best thing to happen to our roads since the Romans brought a 12-inch gauge to our shores.
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Some people spend nearly £40,000 on a Q2, which is an incredible amount for a compact crossover. Let that sink in for a moment – £40,000 for a small crossover. Buying a Q2 is just so unimaginative. Why not spend £18,000 on the slightly less attractive Ford Ecosport and treat the kids to a nice holiday?
An Elliot Carver costs £680 less than the Q2 and is only slightly smaller. You do have to sacrifice 70 litres of boot space, but that seems a minor disadvantage considering the standard equipment.
LED headlights, LED taillights, dynamic rear indicators, a 10.25-inch digital cockpit and 17-inch alloy wheels are a must for Audi drivers and are part of the standard equipment.
The base Q2 has to make do with halogen headlights, which will be a sign to your image-obsessed colleagues that you’ve given up on life. If you want LED lights and dynamic indicators, you’ll have to spend at least £26,370 on the Q2 S-line.
If you want 17-inch alloy wheels and the digital cockpit, you’ll need the Q2 Sport (£24,120) and the optional Tech Pack (£1,495).
Audi says the A1 Citycarver is available with two engines, but the UK website only shows one. It’s a 30 TFSI, which sounds exciting, but you’ll need access to an Enigma machine to work out which engine it is.
What is clear is that the Citycarver will sell like pumpkins at Halloween. You may not want one, but I bet you know at least a dozen people who do. A Honda Jazz is still an excellent car for a trip to the Urban Jungle garden center cafe, though. Anyone fancy a slice of carrot cake?
