When Usha Vance spoke about her husband at the Republican National Convention, describing how JD Vance adapted to her immigrant culture and even learned to cook Indian food from her mother, I recognized a type that we Indians in America have tacitly known for decades: the good white son-in-law.
The good white son-in-law is someone who, like Vance, is well-groomed and well-qualified. He can do tasks we can’t do – like rewiring the garage or teaching the grandchildren to play baseball. He appreciates our way of life – calling us “amma” and wearing a kurta at Diwali – while also giving us a certain sense of rootedness in American culture. He serves as a bridge between our ethnic world and the wider society.
Some have even expressed a sentiment that others share only in silence: If you can’t convince your daughter to marry a nice Indian boy, a white one is the next best alternative. This sentiment is not unique to our community; the preference for a white partner is also reflected in our culture as a whole. And it is racist and dangerous.
Scratch the surface of a good white son-in-law and you might find meanness underneath. JD Vance’s Ivy League reputation and millions as a venture capitalist are a thin cover for his condescension and lack of principles. He demeans people who don’t have biological children and calls women like Kamala Harris “childless cat ladies.” He advocates regressive policies like a nationwide abortion ban with no exceptions for rape and incest. He has shed his once-moderate political views, opportunistically transformed himself into a MAGA crusader, and allied himself with Donald Trump. At the same time, as a vice presidential candidate without much government experience, he lacks basic practical know-how. His actual in-laws may overlook his mistakes. The rest of us shouldn’t.
And how does Kamala Harris fit the stereotype of the good white son-in-law? Harris comes from an Indian family that is unorthodox compared to many others. In 1958, at the age of 19, Harris’ mother moved to America, got her doctorate, married a Jamaican economist and then divorced. As a single mother, she raised two daughters to be proud black women. It’s the kind of family that probably never imagined a good white son-in-law.
Influencers of different races and ideologies who were interested in Harris winning feared that Kamala would bring home a woman, a black man, a gay man, or some other minority—that she would make a splash by choosing a work husband. Basically, they wanted Harris to give the country a good white son-in-law.
Walz is a model choice by that standard. He seems friendly and approachable, and unlike Vance, he supports policies that actually support families. This football coach and governor from the Midwest would rather help you fix your car’s headlights than take away women’s right to self-determination. As governor, he gave children free lunches and supported working parents with family leave, but he doesn’t mock those without children. His folksiness, unlike Vance’s, is not a mask for meanness. He seems capable and kindhearted, like many good white sons-in-law in our community.
Still, what does it say about us as an electorate and as a country that we felt Harris was forced to make such a decision? That voters felt the same anxieties as some Indian-American parents? That Kamala Harris can lead the Democratic Party’s ticket and potentially become the first female president is a remarkable sign of long-overdue progress. But the fact that we expected—even insisted—that she would only choose someone who looked like Tim Walz as her running mate is a sign that our progress is limited. We have not abandoned our assumptions. We still value a white man as the highest-status partner.
Lakshmy Parameswaran is the founder of Daya Inc., a nonprofit organization that helps South Asian victims of domestic violence and sexual assault in Houston. She is a first-generation Indian American who came to the United States in 1973.
