Key findings

• While it sounds fun to grow exotic plants in my garden, after reading up on video game plants, I’d rather not take the risk of being killed by a Bonk Choi.
• Piranha plants may look cool, but owning one for pest control could backfire if I accidentally purchase a dangerous piranha plant instead.
• The bomb plant is tempting, but due to its explosive nature there is concern about accidentally igniting it. Proceed with caution in the garden!

As much as I hate to admit it, I literally cannot touch weed given my favorite pastime. I cannot go near it without wearing a military-grade gas mask or other face shield, gloves, and a whole lot of other military-grade tactical gear that probably doesn’t make me look very good compared to most normal people. That’s because I’m extremely allergic to the stuff.

However, grass isn’t the only plant you can grow, and now that I have a garden to tend to, I’ve been thinking about how much lawn I can replace with exotic plants before my landlord notices, I accidentally ruin the local ecology with an invasive species, or some horrible mix of both. This train of thought naturally led me to video game plants, and the realization that the overwhelming majority of video game plants are incredibly dangerous.

Before I plant anything in my home garden, I have to develop theories about what fictional plant monsters I would plant there and evaluate them based on which one would kill me the fastest.

5 Piranha plant

rubber, rubber

How are you supposed to grow dangerous video game plants without having a piranha plant in the pot? Seriously, I wouldn’t even stop at one, I’d get seven or eight of these bad boys just for the front yard! They’re cool, they have teeth, and I’m absolutely sure they have a killer track record on mice too.

Basically, the piranha plant is everything modern gardeners want, myself included. Not only is it a very pretty potted plant, but it also has practical uses in and around the house as a pest control agent. And because it’s dangerous, you look really cool in front of your neighbors if you own one. Take that, Glen! You’re not so proud of your petunias now, are you?

That being said, unless I was really stupid, the Piranha Plant probably couldn’t kill me. It mostly sticks to its pot or pipe, so other than my own incompetence, which admittedly is high, but not so high that I’d die by giant dotted mousetrap, there’s not much to worry about unless I accidentally buy a Piranha Plant.

Cause of death: I accidentally bought a Ptooie instead of a regular Piranha Plant and then mistakenly believed I was safe.

Spelling the word “piranha” is torture. So torture that spelling it multiple times for this article has significantly shortened my life expectancy. Please, for your own good, avoid spelling this word wherever possible. I suggest using the term “Chompy Fella” for all Chompy Fella-related needs from now on.

4 Bonk Choi

Respect the Bonk

Almost everything in the Plants Vs. Zombies series is designed around violent deconstruction of anatomy. After much thought, however, I came to the conclusion that a peashooter will only kill me if I’m already dead, and even against zombies it’s only ever been a moderately effective solution.

So I asked my local plant specialist about bonk choy. He smells funny, has small bonk choy hands, and knows at least 30 different ways to punch your opponents in the face, which is at least 29 more ways than I know, and at least 27 more ways than a non-bonk choy fan would think necessary.

The bonk choy would destroy my chin within a week of buying it; probably before I even got home from the plant shop. In fact, a single hit from it would probably put me in a coma. Don’t underestimate that.

After asking my local plant specialist about bonk choy, I was politely asked to leave. Now I am discouraged from entering the premises as the police report describes it as an “aggressive waste of a professional biologist’s valuable time.” The look on their faces was worth it, and I have no regrets.

Cause of death: Got beaten up. Died with a toothless grin and a new double chin. Totally worth it.

3 Carnivores

Oh God, that was a mistake

Carnivine is a terror unlike any I’ve ever seen. Incredibly sharp teeth, creepy little eyes, whatever those bumps on its head are that look like anime hair, and disturbing little tendril hands that it can use to snatch its next meal, which according to the Pokedex is pretty much anything that could theoretically fit in its mouth.

Of course, I want to have it as close to me as possible and immediately.

You might think that Carnivine’s status as a trainable monster in the world of Pokemon would make it at least slightly less likely to kill me than some of the other deadly video game plants, but you know what I think? I think that’s Exactly the kind of thinking that regularly leads to people being consumed by these things.

Carnivine is probably responsible for at least 16 trainer deaths per year! That doesn’t sound trainable to me!

The benefits of Carnivine probably don’t outweigh the risks, as I don’t often see a swarm of Diglett, Ratata, or Pidgey in my strawberry patch. But its imposing size and tendency to attack intruders with deadly force make it very attractive as a home defense system.

The problem is that once this thing takes root, it’s bound to spread like wild vine, and it’ll get out of control very quickly.

Cause of death: Chewed on it while trying to weed the raspberries.

Yes, Pokémon are probably more comparable to animals than plants, considering that flora not included in the Pokedex is often found in the games’ landscapes. However, it’s called a “grass-type” for a reason, and since most of Carnivine seems to be made of plant matter rather than… whatever Bulbasaur is, I say it counts.

2 Bomb flower

Always slowly…

The Bomb Flower is great, but it is also very, very explosive and will likely explode at the slightest irritation.

Ironically, it’s this explosive nature that makes growing them so tempting. What happens when these things overripe? Do they just perish on their own? How can you pick a ripe flower without provoking involuntary amputation? How bad of an idea is it to put a bomb flower in the microwave for a few minutes?

My curiosity about these explosive herbs is limitless and the only way to satisfy it is to try my hand at growing them! I have no idea how much is too much for these things and what exactly sets them off, so I would probably keep them in the front yard with no signs or fences to make sure nothing touches them and they probably won’t explode.

Plus, as an American, I find the allure of a 4th of July celebration with (responsibly used) bombshell flower fireworks hard to resist. The only downside is that they look like they grow similarly to pineapples, and if that’s true, I wouldn’t get a nice ripe bombshell flower for quite a while, if ever.

Cause of death: A single, accidental sneeze during allergy season.

To experience the actual, tangible pain that comes with trying to grow a bombshell flower yourself, buy a pineapple from your local grocer, cut the top off, and place it in a glass of water until you see roots forming. Once roots have formed, place the plant in a nice pot with good soil and keep it in a humid environment, misting it frequently. In about two years or so, you may be able to eat a pineapple again. Congratulations, you just grew a bombshell flower!

1 Malboro

I need a bigger flowerbed

Oh man, that’s cool. Everyone say it with me: “Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh”! …What do you mean you don’t know the Cthulhu summoning chant by heart?! You’re a real cultist.

Anyway, Malboro (sometimes called Mad Oscar, which also happens to be the name I’m called at my local sports bar when my team loses) is an elder plant god who has managed to become something of a recurring character throughout the Final Fantasy series.

Eyes, teeth, tentacles, this guy has them all, and to be honest, I highly doubt I’d survive even looking him in the eye, let alone pulling weeds near him or brazenly pruning him. I’m just trying to keep you healthy, Malboro! Stop biting my limbs off and let me help you!

As cool as it may be to be able to say I have a Cthulhu plant growing in my garden, that bragging rights come at a price, and I’m not talking about the retail price here. The Malboro may be the worst houseplant you can buy, and that’s exactly why it’s the best one out there. When it comes to deadly plants, it doesn’t get much deadlier than this one, folks.

Cause of death: I don’t take Cloud and Tifa with me when I try to prune the plants.