Last week I wrote about getting out of a bad mood, but what about those times when each of those steps feels like trying to complete a 100-meter dash through a swamp while wearing snowshoes?
Here’s the point: It’s during these difficult, hard times that we need to be extra kind to ourselves and break things down into bite-sized, manageable chunks. Today, let’s talk about the first of three “starter steps” that can help when the thought of cooking a meal or going to the gym makes us want to crawl back under the covers and wait until tomorrow to face the world. That first step is self-compassion.
About a month after my father died, I learned self-compassion for the first time. I was at home on my lunch break, tears flowing and my chest heaving with sobs. I tried to concentrate on eating and resisted the urge to pour myself a whiskey. The pain was deep and I wanted to escape it so badly.
At that moment, I remembered some practices I had read in a book about self-compassion. The author had talked about the importance of how we treat ourselves when we feel emotional pain. He had shown how we can offer ourselves warmth and support instead of blaming ourselves or judging ourselves, which is often our default. When we are suffering, we deserve more love, not less.
I wrapped my arms around myself in a strong, warm hug (feeling embarrassed and weird) and said out loud, “This is so hard. You’ve never experienced this before. I’m here with you. I’m not going anywhere.” I rubbed my arms like my parents always did when I was little. I felt a burst of pure emotion.
Then the intensity changed. I trusted my own supportive touch and words, recognized my deep grief and sense of loss, and felt a little more grounded than I had moments before.
In my worst moments during this grief journey, and in many bad moments afterward, I turn to self-compassion first. I use supportive self-touch, as research has shown that the body does not differentiate between our own supportive touch or that of another person.
The biochemical response helps my body and nervous system get into a more functional state. I also talk to myself as if I were talking to a good friend who is suffering. I remember to check in with my own needs and see if there is anything I can do to meet them. Often, self-compassion helps me gain a little more capacity so I can take bigger steps.
Dr. Kristin Neff, one of the pioneers and early researchers on self-compassion, explains: “When we are depressed, we need self-compassion more than ever. That’s when we need to love ourselves, be gentle with ourselves, and recognize that we are doing the best we can.”
Despite the proven benefits of self-compassion, there is a common misconception that it is the same as complacency or self-forgetfulness. Some people fear that if they are kind to themselves, they will stop improving and get stuck.
However, when we blame and criticize ourselves, we are exhausted and feel defeated and ultimately stuck. Research shows that when we pay close attention to our experiences and adopt a supportive attitude toward ourselves, we achieve positive change more quickly.
How do you deal with yourself when you’re feeling down or in a difficult situation? Are there places you can go to offer yourself more support or warmth while you’re working through a difficult situation? If you’d like to explore self-compassion in more depth, there are many great resources available. A good place to start is self-compassion.org, where you can find additional practices and research on the topic.
I aim to offer compassionate and practical advice. Send a message below if you would like to hear my perspective on your question or situation in a future column.
Tiffany Skidmore is a psychotherapist and life coach specializing in anxiety. Email your questions and feedback to [email protected] or send them anonymously to tinyurl.com/thelifecoach. Visit tiffskidmore.com to learn more about Tiffany and her work.
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