“Care and Feeding” is Slate’s parenting advice column. Do you have a question about care and feeding? Send it here.
Dear care and feeding,
My 6 year old son is very impressionable. On the first day of school he learned this game from another boy which includes, among other things, “bite my pee.” He also imitates the way the other child speaks since he has a speech impediment. We haven’t talked about boundaries and body parts yet, partly because I don’t do well with “direct” instructions without context. And partly because he gets nervous when I try to tell him something serious. I’m afraid there’s something wrong in the other child’s life, but I don’t know how to handle it. It might just be baby talk. I don’t know how to tell him to be himself and stop imitating other kids without making a big deal out of it or making him feel guilty. Help!
—Bad words
Dear Bad Words,
Last year in first grade, my daughter had a charismatic classmate who would make up a joke where he would pretend to be a girl and then say “Ugh, ugh” while wincing flirtatiously and making eyes at the other kids. I think he was making fun of the girls for being disgusted by things? My daughter ugh, ugh‘d, all spring long, with great enthusiasm. For a while this summer, I thought “Eeeeeewwww” was finally gone, and just last week it resurfaced! Death this school year to “Eeeeeewwww,” which is against my politics but damn funny and entertaining to say!
In other words, things will catch on among classmates, and you may not always like those things. I don’t think your son isn’t being “himself” when he speaks like that, and I don’t think “bite my pee-pee” means there’s something wrong in the other child’s life — maybe he just has a couple of older siblings or cousins who provide this little boy with a somewhat obnoxious template for older kids on how to act “cool.” You may find reassurance in reviewing the common signs of child sexual abuse so you can be on guard for further developments. But keep in mind that 6-year-olds like your son are not reliable narrators, so it’s going to be pretty difficult for you to actually understand anything about another child’s life from that distance.
Of course, I don’t think it’s nice or polite to point out to the child his speech difficulties, and the next time your child speaks like that in front of you, you could simply say: “You’re not talking like a classmate at school, are you? Just to be on the safe side! Because even if it feels like you’re joking, he might not like it…”
You should also figure out how to incorporate conversations about boundaries and body parts into your daily routine. Your child tries to sit on your lap when you’re not asking for it: “It’s my body, and my body is saying, ‘No lap sitting.'” Just do it. If your child’s school is anything like mine, they’ll talk like that when other kids are riding it on the playground.
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Dear care and feeding,
My girlfriend and I have a baby together. Her son is 6 and has recently started insisting on sleeping in our bed. It’s obviously a reaction to the baby being born, but he is violent. He kicks, headbutts, hits, and scratches in his sleep. I can’t cuddle my girlfriend without him trying to draw blood. I know he doesn’t mean it, but he has cut my lip and kicked me in the balls more than once. The last time I fell asleep with my glasses on and he kicked me in the face. I have cuts on my face and next to my eye. My girlfriend thinks this is funny and calls me a big baby for being so upset. Since I work freelance and she is on a schedule, I get up almost every night and feed our baby. After the glasses incident, I finally said a firm no. I can’t sleep like this. She can sleep with him on the sofa bed or on his bedroom floor. I won’t be kicked out of my own bed.
We had a huge fight. I’m currently staying at a friend’s house. I go out at night and she accuses me of abandoning her and the kids. I love her and the kids, but the broken glasses scared the hell out of me. I bled so much and my eye was so black I thought I had lost an eye. I’m the one who pays most of the bills. I love my friend. I love our baby. I love her son if he doesn’t leave me bruises. What now?
—Bruises in bed
Dear Bruises,
One parenting problem that I think is greatly underestimated is the injuries that can occur when you spend a lot of time with a little body that doesn’t have good self-control. It’s very difficult not to take a knee to the balls personally, but this guy isn’t just 6, he’s still sleeping. He’s going to toss and turn!
This is why I personally don’t sleep with kids in bed – too many variables. I’m with you: your basic need – to sleep in peace – is completely understandable, even more so when you’re already disrupting your sleep on the nights you get up with the baby. You deserve to protect the sleep you get from an elementary school student who apparently has pretty funny dreams about being in the WWE.
I wonder, though, what it sounded and looked like when you were “put on the ground.” Your friend is probably stressed about her son’s reaction to the new baby. She’s probably even more stressed because she realizes that you’re very uncomfortable with her son’s behavior. Calling her a “big baby” when you had a cut on your face was certainly not the most mature way to handle it. But she’s probably destabilized and defensive – not good feelings to have when dealing with a partner who is pissed off, especially when everyone is tired and nervous. (As a mom with a male partner, I can also tell you that when you have a new baby, you want help from the man, not more domestic problems to solve! That may not be entirely fair, but it’s the hard truth and probably the reason for the “big baby” comment.)
Can you revisit the issue with her and try to prioritize your commitment to her, your baby, and (this is important) her son while asserting yourself regarding sleeping arrangements? “We’re going through quite a time right now, and I really want to be there for everyone as best as I can. It’s not his fault that my son keeps elbowing me in his sleep, but it’s damaging the relationship between my son and me that I keep waking up in pain. I can’t sleep in the same bed as him anymore. How can we make this work?” This problem won’t last forever, so I hope you can find a solution.
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Dear care and feeding,
We love our daughter and granddaughter, but her new partner is not so great. Our daughter has been lonely since her divorce, but she is so blinded by this new relationship that it is no longer funny. He has three children by two other women and is completely broke, even though he is an “entrepreneur.” Our daughter let him and one of his children move in with her and pays all the bills. And she complains about it. She buys all the kids’ school supplies. And complains about it. He wrecked her car. And you guessed it, she complains about it!
But once we turn the conversation around, she’s his biggest defender. This is having a negative impact on our granddaughter, who has told us that his children are bullying her and stealing from her. She says she wants to move in with her father. She’s only 8 and he’s much busier with his new wife and life than he needs to be. We live in another state and can only visit him once in a while. How do we reach her?
-Bad romance
Dear Bad Romance,
This is so hard. You are not the only influencer in how your daughter feels about her new relationship – she has her feelings of loneliness, the general culture’s messages about relationships, whatever her friends say, something she saw on a reality show, whatever – and you probably won’t be able to convince her one way or the other. All you can do is listen and try to help her analyze her feelings as they develop.
What you can do is help your granddaughter. Increase contact with her as much as you can; try to FaceTime her more often, text her (if she writes), arrange to meet her in her state or yours, and let her know that you are thinking of her and will be present in her life while other things change. She is going through a rough time right now, and even if you can’t make it all right by getting her mom to leave her boyfriend or her dad to be less distracted by his new wife, you will always be her grandparent. Make sure she knows that.
—Rebecca
More advice from Slate
How important is it to maintain friendships when you’re a mom? I have a toddler and although I try to make time every few months to be with my friends (they have kids too), I always leave these get-togethers feeling, well, not particularly energized. There was definitely a time when I enjoyed seeing my friends, but now I feel like I’d rather spend my precious free time in a cafe for a few hours with a good book. However, I also hear a lot of online discussions about the importance of friends, building your own village, etc., so my question is: should I just let my friendships rest and invest my free time where it benefits me, or should I try to maintain these social connections because I’m going to need them at some point?
