At first I’m so happy to hear from him, but then I go into a downward spiral. The messages are everything from birthday greetings to pictures of us when we were together to internet memes. A short conversation starts and I’m reminded of all the reasons why I loved this man so much, but then months go by before I hear from him again.

It’s hard for me to move on for good when these messages make me think of all the possible what-ifs. (He’s been with the same woman since we broke up.) Part of me wants to respond that I thought that door was closed for good, but these messages keep sending a signal saying the opposite.

Can you help me sort this all out, Meredith?

ANONYMOUS

A. You can be honest with him and tell him how these messages make you feel. You can also set a boundary.

Something like: “Listen, when you reach out, it confuses me. It feels like you’re trying to get back together – but I’m assuming that’s not the case. I’m not interested in a friendship right now, so I’m going to have to ask you to cut off contact. No more memes and messages. It’s making it too hard for me to move on.”

If you want, you can add “I wish you all the best”.

I assume he does miss you, and when he sees a meme that reminds him of your time together, he’ll be eager to share it. But that doesn’t mean he wants to be your romantic partner. It just means that sometimes memes and inside jokes feel like an eternity.

The old pictures seem much more manipulative and thoughtless. I have no idea what he’s planning to do with it – but he doesn’t seem to care much about your feelings! He sends these reminders without context, warning, or purpose. That’s a very good reason to keep him in the ex category.

If you set this limit – and yes, you can also block his accounts – consider whether this new Relationship is fun. You haven’t said anything about the person you are dating. I hope you enjoy the company and if not, you can try something new.

MEREDITH

READERS ANSWER:

“You can be honest with him and tell him how these messages make you feel. You can also set boundaries. For example, ‘Listen, when you message him, it always confuses me.'” Wrong, wrong, wrong. This guy does that Exactly because he wants she seems confused. Don’t tell him he’s successful!

BIG SIGH

I wouldn’t give the old flame a moment. He left you willingly and entered a new relationship, and now he seems to want it all. I wouldn’t even give him a nice, final explanation like the moderator suggests, I would just stop responding to him. One point about your current relationship: “We’re happy enough.” I think that’s part of the problem – because you’re not completely satisfied and that’s why you’re looking back.

JIM501

I don’t know why so many people have a hard time blocking people on social media. If the person (ex, family member, friend) is disturbing your peace or causing you to feel negative emotions, JUST block that person. This will set a boundary for you of unacceptable behavior – and it’s a healthy step that will keep you safe. Don’t let your past affect your emotional health. The past should be the lesson you learned (and you’ve been to therapy AND you’re in a new relationship), not the constant reminder of a broken relationship.

BRENDA67

There’s no need to work anything out. He dumped you and you’re still looking for closure. His attempts to stay in touch make you think there’s still a chance. You should just move on. And since you can’t stop him from contacting you, you need to act like an adult and make sure none of his messages ever reach you. Delete him from your contact list, lock his phone, cut off your social media connections with him. And most importantly, don’t respond.

ANTELOPEPANDASKOALASOHMY

I think Meredith was a little too gentle with you, so I’d like to add to her general advice: You are nothing special and this is not Act 2 of a Hallmark movie. His actions are so commonplace there’s a name for it: You have a zombie. A monster that rises from the dead just when you think you have everything under control. I recommend blocking everything out and putting your energy into your relationship or finding a new man who meets your needs. The old boyfriend will never do that. He just wants attention to boost his ego. Don’t give it to him.

SARCASTICLAUREN

Send your own questions about relationships and dating to [email protected] or fill out this form. New episodes of Meredith Goldstein’s “Love Letters” podcast can be found at Show love letters or wherever you listen to podcasts. Columns and comments are edited and printed by boston.com/loveletters.