Welcome back, rose lovers! We made it through four hours The Bachelorette – and we have reached the last two men.

Let’s summarize!

Fade in to the Tealight Candle Thunderdome. Our handsome host Jesse Palmer strides onto the stage as the men lead the crowd in an appreciative chant of “Jesse! Jesse! Jesse!” After the crowd settles down, Palmer introduces the men – some of whom have chosen their jewelry.

I guess Sam M. has to go to Mordor after this. Before Palmer rehashes all the drama with the boys, he throws it back to Hawaii, where Devin just showed up at Jenn’s for a surprise chat. As you probably remember from last night’s episode, Devin is furious that Jenn didn’t say “I love you” back – which either means she’s not going to choose him or (more likely) that Devin has never watched this show. “This is probably the end for me,” he says in his voiceover.

Jenn will be the judge of that, sir. Let’s listen to their conversation.

Look, I understand that Devin is upset and nervous, but it’s taking him a really long time to get his point across. “I’m just in a weird place with my feelings,” he says. “I haven’t been the priority in so many of my relationships… I feel like I’m the safe option for you because of who I am. I feel like I’m wanted here, but I feel like I’m not needed here, and that scares the crap out of me. Because I’ve risked everything for you. My feelings, my mind. I want to get to the end, but I don’t know how to get there with you right now—it’s not because I lack feelings. I love you… The proposals are next week, and I still don’t know what’s going on in your head, and that scares the crap out of me.”

Jenn listens, her face showing varying degrees of concern. As she speaks, she apologizes to Devin for not “calming” him down. “I don’t know how to have a healthy relationship,” she admits with a lump in her throat. “I want to do this for you… I don’t know what I would do if you weren’t here.” Girl, just say “I love you”! It’s OK to say that to two finalists – just ask Ben Higgins!

Well, now all that’s left is to send Jonathon home. You know I’m not being hasty, rose lovers – Jenn has now told two of her three finalists that she loves them. The underdog is out, of course. Roll call for the rose ceremony! And our final two are… Devin and Marcus, of course. They hug Jonathon goodbye, and Marcus whispers a few extra words of support.

Okay, that’s pretty sweet. If ABC hadn’t already named Grant the Bachelor, I’d be in full #TeamJonathon mode right now. As he says goodbye to Jenn on the Bye Bye Bench™, Jonathon chastises himself for being a “slow guy,” adding, “I think you were perfect for me and I wasn’t perfect for you.” Ugh, poor guy. Still, it’s highly unlikely that Mr. Jonathon Johnson will stay single for long. In any case, it’s time to welcome him to the Tealight Candle Thunderdome!

Looking good, sir. Looking good too? Brett, Bachelor Nation’s big, burly darling. While Jenn sent him home on night one, the 28-year-old from Pennsylvania got a lot of love in his DMs, some of which can be seen on the big screen. Some are normal (“You’re such a stud”); some are definitely not (“Hi, do you do foot content?”). The big ol’ sweetheart handles it with class and humor: “I don’t do foot content yet.” GET THIS MAN TO PARADISE RIGHT NOW!

Oh, hooray. It’s time for the drama montage – which of course includes a supercut of Sam M. saying, “The most important thing remains the most important thing” and “wild love.”

I’m so sick of these guys. If I never have to see Aaron Erb’s smug face and stupid statement pearls again, it will be too soon. But Palmer starts the discussion by asking him to explain his decision to present Jenn with a bombshell on the way out the door for “the wrong reasons™.” Aaron says he was trying to warn Jenn about Sam N. (the “love virgin,” for those of you with memories as short as mine) and… Spencer?

Sure, Hakeem. I second that “WHAT?” Frankly, Aaron’s explanation is pretty lame — he says it seemed like Spencer wasn’t “fully over his broken engagement” — but honestly, he just wants more time on camera. And brother, no one — and I mean absolutely no one — believes you that when you gave Devin that (fake) self-help book, you weren’t intentionally trying to recreate what happened to your brother on his season. Speaking of the better heir…

Even he thinks Aaron acted like a complete idiot. “Aaron, you’re my twin, we were together in the womb, but I don’t think the book is the way to go,” he says. “I don’t think anyone should tell anyone whether they’re being read or not.” Preach, better preach!

Moving on, Palmer then turns the discussion to Sam M. and his argument with Devin, who of course isn’t there to defend himself. It’s disgusting to give this controlling, disgusting liar even more screen time, but at least the segment gives us this nasty dig from the host:

Oh, and the burns just don’t stop. “Have you ever seen Girls Club – Be careful, they bite!?” Jeremy asks. “And Lindsay Lohan’s character claims she hates Regina George, but she only talks about Regina George? That was like Sam and Devin.” Jeremy has obviously studied the Bachelor Nation fan base – we love a Girls Club – Be careful, they bite! Meme. Good work, sir.

For his part, Sam M. says he wishes his “extradition” had been “better,” but when it came to love, he was always “all or nothing.” Can we be done with this guy now? Unfortunately, not.

Ugh. Of course, Sam M. gets a whole hot seat segment. Gross, but unavoidable. After watching the montage of his “journey” on the show, Sam M. acts like he’s humiliated by his behavior. He also claims that he actually loved Jenn – he just “failed” to express why he loved her. As for his comment that Jenn was “boring” in their last conversation, Sam M. wants the world to know that he was referring to the lack of energy and light in her eyes. Audience, do you believe him?

That’s what I thought. But Sam insists he’s in full learning and growth mode. “All I can do is look at this and take the mistakes I made along the way and make sure I can correct them and apply them to the next relationship that’s in front of me.” Whatever, dude. Clear the couch—it’s time for Jonathon to get in the hot seat.

Sure! Jonathon is going to paradise in 2025. Thanks, reality TV gods. Now do this, Brett!

Next up is Grant – aka the next Bachelor. He is “grateful” and “excited” for his “journey.” He seems like a nice enough young man, and the other contestants seem to really like him – which is always a good sign. See you in January, bro.

Enough testosterone. Let’s get the woman of the (two) hour(s) out of here.

Jonathon compliments Jenn on her dress and then thanks her for helping him grow as a person, or whatever. “You have such a big, big heart,” the Bachelorette raves. “And I’m glad my path crossed with yours.”

That’s nice. But I’d much rather hear from Jenn about the guys who annoyed her – like Thomas N. Jenn is still upset that he took Devin aside and yelled at him in Week 2. “You could have cleared up the drama later,” she says, adding that she appreciated their first night conversation about growing up with immigrant parents. “If you had kept your focus on me, maybe the journey would have been a little different for you.” Thomas N. agrees. “If I could give back, it would be to not leave you alone and take care of Devin later,” he admits. “That was my job.”

And now the best part: Jenn Tran is ready to attack Sam M. Split screen setting!