Dear Eric: My only son died six months ago. I told everyone that he died of heart problems, although in reality he died as a result of his long-term alcoholism.
He was 35 and a highly successful New York City lawyer and philanthropist.
He did indeed have heart problems, but they were caused by his alcoholism. (Alcohol is a poison, but it doesn’t kill us because our liver detoxifies it. However, if you drink more than one or two drinks a day, the liver often can’t keep up and every organ in the body suffers over time.)
My excuse was to protect his reputation, because I wanted him to be remembered for all he did to make his part of the world a better place, not as a drinker. He was a high-functioning alcoholic, always on time and never missed work or a trial.
Now, some of my close friends are asking me to set the record straight, in the hope that others who are hiding their drug abuse will have the courage to seek help before the inevitable and sad consequences of long-term use take their toll. Should I tell his secret or not?
– In conflict with grief
Dear conflict: There is a saying that many in recovery use: “We are only as sick as our secrets.”
Alcoholism is a disease. For many people, shame and secrecy cause the disease to fester, spread and cause destruction.
His illness can no longer harm your son, and his secrets can no longer harm him, so if you have the opportunity to tell the whole story and feel safe doing so, take it.
Many grieving parents find some comfort in this. Search the internet for Casey Marie Schwartzmier’s 2017 obituary, which went viral because Schwartzmier’s parents captured her life, her vivacity, and her battle with addiction with incredible love and honesty. The obituary changed lives when it was published, and continues to do so years later.
But don’t do anything just to appease your friends. Your grieving process is the most important thing right now. I am so sorry for your loss and wish you peace and comfort.
Dear Eric: I am a 33-year-old man with autism spectrum disorder.
I have a friend, “Katie,” who has been a huge part of my life over the past few years. I have been a mentor and friend to her three little boys and she has been a good friend to me in return.
Katie suffers from severe anxiety (she considers herself neurodiverse and possibly a person with high functioning autism).
She was recently facing eviction from her apartment and my father made sure she could stay in the apartment.
Katie received more than $10,000 to pay off her unpaid rent.
However, since then, Katie has not texted or called me or my dad. We have not heard from her in weeks. We are confused and, frankly, upset that our generosity is being rewarded with such behavior.
– Taken for granted
Dear Granted: Perhaps Katie’s radio silence is a sign of executive dysfunction, which many neurodiverse people have. The prospect of thanking you and your dad for your help may seem like a daunting task, one that becomes more daunting as time goes on.
Whatever the reason, the easiest – and friendliest – way to resolve the issue is to ask.
You and Katie have a long history together. Something has happened on her side that is disrupting that relationship. Maybe she’s overwhelmed, maybe it’s rudeness, maybe she’s embarrassed. Call her to reestablish your connection. Find out what’s going on in her life. And as a friend, let her know how her behavior has affected you.
Dear Eric: This is a response to the letter from News Blues (June 14). I found your advice wonderful.
Once upon a time, I was News Blues’ constantly negative father and I didn’t even realize it. It took me many years (and hard, conscious work) to change my attitude. Now I take my time before I speak and think about what I’m going to say. I look for the positive in the situation and highlight it.
To News Blues: Be patient with your father. He’s been stuck in this mindset for many, many years. It’s going to be hard for him to get over it.
When you talk to your father, point out the positive aspects you see in your situation. Help him see that the positives outweigh the negatives. Most likely, he is worried about you and is concerned.
– No more Eeyore
Dear More: Thank you for sharing your story with us! It’s helpful to hear your perspective and know that we all have the ability to change long-standing habits.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
