DEAR ERIC: My husband of 40 years passed away on July 21, 2023, and I am having a hard time letting him go. He suffered from dementia and treated me very poorly in the last months of his life.
The pneumonia that killed him came on pretty quickly, so we never talked about anything.
I’m trying to keep the good memories alive and get rid of the bad ones, but it’s so difficult. Any suggestions on what I can do?
– Grieving wife
DEAR WIFE: I am very sorry for the loss you have suffered and the treatment you received during the last months of your husband’s life.
Grief is never easy, but the complicated grief that can arise from personality changes and abuse caused by illness is particularly difficult.
First, give yourself grace. This will take a while; it will probably take longer than you would like. Settle for where you are in the grieving process. You are learning as you go.
Make a conscious effort to focus on the good memories. Write them down. Revel in them. Talk to friends and family about the good things. Thank yourself and your husband for them.
While this won’t erase the bad memories, it can help them fade over time. The bad memories have the advantage of being current and intense, but you know they aren’t the whole truth about your marriage.
As time goes on, ask yourself if you are ready to forgive your husband for how he treated you in his final days. Even if you know he didn’t act that way, it’s important to give yourself a chance to let that go.
In his book Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief, David Kessler writes, “The incident you are holding on to is over… It will help you to remember that forgiveness is rarely for ‘them.’ It is for you.”
Time will not change how complicated the past is. But time does offer you the opportunity to gradually see the past in context.
(Please send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rricthomas.com.)
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