Winner of the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest 2024

The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest has been honoring the first lines of fictional horror novels since 1982. The winners of the 2024 contest have been announced and there are some real blockbusters, starting with the overall winner:

She had a body that reached out and punched me in the face like she’d been thrown from a passing truck with a 5-pound ham hock.

Here are some of my other favorites:

Mrs Higgins’ body was found in the pantry, beaten to death with a potato ricer and lying on a 20-kilo sack of Yukon Gold, her favorite variety for making gnocchi, although some people consider it too moist for that purpose.

Instead of leaving that sultry Friday night, she slid into my shabby strip mall private investigator’s office, showing off all her curves, and I knew I was in for a weekend of trouble because Dave’s reptile shop next door, where the ball python had escaped from, was closed until Monday.

Sir Arthur Pendragon, High King of the Britons, son of King Uther Pendragon, nephew of King Aurelius Ambrosius, who in turn was the son of a long list of people who were not kings and therefore don’t matter, only slept with his sister once, but boy did it backfire on him.

His burned flesh sizzled like a burger on a grill, blood poured from his wounds like a Coke that had been shaken too hard, and sweat ran down his face, salty like French fries. John knew that after completing this mission, he would be getting something from McDonald’s for dinner.

“I enjoy becoming a prophet,” said Torquemada as he roasted the heretical seer on a spit.

You can see the whole miserable bunch here.