There are too many excellent advice columns to keep up with, so we’re committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers each week. Here’s a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking, and surprising questions our favorite columnists have answered over the past few days.
How can I get my 83-year-old grandmother, who intentionally speeds to scare wrong-way drivers, to drive more safely?
My grandmother and I are very close. She is 83 years old and very independent. She loves to keep busy and is always out and about in the city.
I am writing to you because I need your advice on how to contact her. I am concerned about her driving. She has always driven like a “cowboy”. She speeds and is very impatient on the road.
When she sees someone running a red light, she speeds up to “scare” them, as she puts it. It’s very dangerous and very scary.
I have often told her that she is driving dangerously, but she replies that she has never had an accident before, so why would she have one now? Her agility and reflexes are deteriorating as she gets older, and I am afraid that she will hurt someone or herself if she continues to drive so recklessly. How can I get her to take my plea to drive more safely seriously?
(Creator)
Annie Lane suggests notifying the police about the grandmother’s reckless driving. “You have every right to be concerned,” she writes. “Continue to talk to her about the dangers of her actions.” Read the rest of her response.
How should I respond to a wedding invitation that asks for a $250 deposit in response?
I recently received a wedding invitation. At the bottom, in beautifully embossed font, was something I’d never seen before: a request for guests to email $250 up front to confirm their attendance. Look, inflation is killing us all right now and weddings are insanely expensive, so I understand. But since when is it kosher to ask for money up front? And am I still expected to give a gift? That seems intrusive and overall rude. What’s the point?
(Toronto Life)
The Urban Diplomat notes that it’s becoming increasingly common for wedding guests to ask for money outright. “If you want to thank the bride and groom for the invitation — and save money and face in the process — send them a $100 gift,” they write. (One hundred Canadian dollars is about $73, and $250 Canadian dollars is about $183.) “Then everyone wins.” Read the rest of their response.
What should I say to my friend after I find out that she sabotaged one of her colleagues until he quit?
I recently learned that a good friend of mine behaved very unprofessionally toward a co-worker without her seeming to realize it. She won a “professional victory”: her work nemesis decided to quit. However, my friend’s stories about this woman convinced me that it was actually my friend who caused the problems. My friend described how she stayed late to complete tasks assigned to the other woman and turned them in before the other woman could get to them; how she did not allow the other woman to participate in shared tasks; how she scheduled important meetings at times when the other woman was unavailable; how she set schedules that she knew the other woman could not meet; how she intentionally failed to correct mistakes made by the other woman and then pointed out those mistakes to her supervisor.
When I asked my friend why she undermined this other woman, she replied that she didn’t want to undermine her. She said, “It’s not my fault that I’m ambitious and she can’t keep up with me.” My friend explained that she just wanted to stand out, and made it clear that she planned to treat her nemesis’s future successor with the same disdain.
My friend is a smart, competent, and very competitive woman. I share these traits with her, and when we were younger women, our competitiveness caused numerous conflicts between us. As I’ve gotten older, however, I’ve come to understand that competitiveness is a tool that must be used very carefully in professional settings – an advantage in some contexts, but a disadvantage in many others. I find it troubling that my friend has no problem with the way she acted toward this other woman. Do you have any advice on how I should approach this conversation?
(The New York Times)
Anna Holmes advises the letter writer to end the friendship. “It’s not just about what she did to the former employee, but what she’s supposedly going to do to the next person,” she writes. “It’s sickening that she even thinks that way.” Read the rest of her response.
How can I get my coworker to stop complimenting my body?
How do I best respond to one of my coworkers who frequently makes inappropriate comments about my body and appearance? I’m afraid that I’ll inadvertently fall into the “you think I’m hot” category or draw even more attention to my body, which makes me very, very uncomfortable.
Some of my recent comments/actions include: “You’re bringing sexiness back!” (said because I was wearing a totally office-appropriate wrap dress) and “You definitely look like you work out a lot” (said after making an innocuous, gym-related comment).
I’m at a complete loss as to how to bring this up without making him feel even more uncomfortable than he already does or putting him on the defensive.
(Incl.)
Alison Green urges the letter writer to tell the employee that his comments are inappropriate and must stop. “Please also pay attention to his treatment of other women,” she writes. “If he makes comments like these or worse to other people, you should know about them so you can stop it.” Read the rest of her response.
How can I overcome my extreme disappointment that my girlfriend and her children don’t like camping?
My girlfriend “Linda” and I have been together for almost four years and have a fun, loving and supportive relationship. We are both widowed, I for five years, she for six. She has two children, 9 and 12. I have none. We have talked about marriage and I plan to make it official this Christmas.
My family loves camping and we meet at the same campground every year during the week of the 4th of July. Linda and the kids had come along the two previous years. Even though I knew they were new to camping, I was really hoping they would warm up to it. This year Linda had to stay home due to work commitments and could only take the 4th of July off herself. With it being so hot and uncomfortable at home and so beautiful in the mountains, I was sure they were sorry to miss the trip.
When I got home, everyone was talking about what a great day they had at Linda’s parents’ house, swimming in the pool, grilling steaks, etc. I asked Linda if she even liked camping. She wouldn’t admit it, but when I insisted, she said she and the kids hated it, but would be willing to do it for me. I don’t want them to grit their teeth for a week every year, and I told her that. She seemed so relieved. The kids were visibly happy when I said they would never have to go camping again if they didn’t want to.
I haven’t told them, but I’m so disappointed in all of them. I don’t understand how anyone could choose to swim in a concrete box and stay in the heat and noise rather than spend time in nature. I now have to camp alone for the rest of my life. It’s been lonely seeing my siblings with their partners and children and me all alone in my tent this year. It would be stupid to break up with a wonderful woman and leave two children I’ve grown to love for eight days a year at the most, but it’s really bothering me.
How can I accept this and let it go? I’ve thought about this a lot.
(The Washington Post)
Carolyn Hax’s readers are encouraging the letter writer to examine the logic behind her feelings. “Why does something as character-neutral as liking or disliking camping elicit such a strong reaction?” one of them writes. “Do you really think liking camping is more virtuous than pool parties?” Read the rest of their responses.
How should my husband and I respond to a request for photos and an annual visit from the previous owners of our home?
My husband and I recently bought a beautiful house in a nice neighborhood. The previous owners are an elderly couple who moved into the house themselves when they were our age and started a family. But they can’t seem to let go of the house.
A neighbor came by several times, always with a camera, to take pictures of our house. She explained that the previous owners, who had moved to another state, had requested photos so they could see what we had done to the house. We explained that we did not agree with this and she stopped.
Now we have received a letter from this couple. They want us to keep sending pictures and they also plan to “stop by” when they come back to town this summer. They promise they will only come by for an hour or so, but they would like to make this an annual event.
Am I obligated to grant this couple visitation rights? And if not (which I hope), how can I politely explain to this couple that they no longer own the house and we can no longer keep them informed?
UExpress)
Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin believe the former owners should have respected the letter writer’s privacy. “It is not rude to simply and without apology say that unfortunately you are not prepared to comply with their wishes,” they write. Read the rest of their response.
Read our column from last week here.
