New Delhi: What happens when three self-proclaimed “unconventional” moms come together to talk about motherhood? A few disapproving comments, curiosity, and the realization that motherhood is changing.
“Mothers who put themselves first are labelled with all sorts of labels, from good to bad to sloppy mothers,” said Richa Jha, children’s author and founder of Pickle Yolk Books, in her keynote address at the India International Centre in New Delhi. They were a mix of urban and rural mothers who defied societal norms to choose their own version of motherhood. From giving up biological motherhood in favour of adoption to opting for artificial insemination, these mothers challenged the existing definition of ‘mother’ and, by extension, a good mother. “The assumption that I take time for myself comes at the expense of the care I should give a child. But my life experience has shown that this time helps me build a better relationship with my daughter,” said Pooja Pande, author of Mom language and a single mother.
Pande began by emphasizing that the duality between good and bad mothers and the idea of an all-sacrificing “good” motherhood is an inherently patriarchal and capitalist concept. Each of the three mothers on the panel took turns to express not only their own unique perspective on motherhood, but also their opinions on the challenges of tailoring motherhood. “When we equate motherhood with marriage, other forms of motherhood are questioned and not seen as ‘acceptable,'” Pande said.
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The session titled ‘Good Mom, Bad Mom and the Paradigm Shifts in Motherhood’ was attended by Kavita Bundelkhandi, co-founder and Editor-in-Chief of Khabar Lahariya and first Dalit member of Editor’s Guild of India, Vandana Sharma, lawyer, and Pande, co-CEO of Chambal Media. The session was moderated by Jha.
The audience was also engrossed in the discussion, which easily went over the allotted time by 30 minutes. The session was full even before it began on an extremely humid Monday. “I think such discussions help to reduce the ‘mommy guilt’ of a working woman. I am in the process of making my own life possible, whether I am a wife, mother or daughter-in-law, and any visibility helps,” said Namita Anand, an audience member. Anand, a software engineer, has a two-year-old daughter.
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Choosing a different motherhood
During the discussion, listeners were confronted with the different forms of motherhood that exist in our society – from single mothers, stepmothers and IVF mothers to working mothers – and with the “guilt” that comes with anything that does not fit into the “conventional” parenting style.
Bundelkhandi was a child bride who chose not to have biological children of her own. A traumatic experience with a botched abortion and the experience of having to care for her siblings influenced her decision to undergo tubal ligation. She has since chosen adoption. “I love being a mother and for me it’s definitely not about biology. It brings me joy,” Bundelkhandi said. She is also the mother of her partner’s children and takes great joy in raising them.
“The concept of stepmotherhood and its negative connotations came about through television serials. Now it is used almost synonymously to refer to women who are also unable to have children,” Bundelkhandi added.
Vandana Sharma’s life was marked by a bad marriage and her decision to end it. She wanted a child, but she knew she wanted to raise it alone. In the early 2000s, artificial insemination was still a foreign concept. Sharma eventually studied law, learned about her rights and fought for herself.
Her experience highlighted the institutional hurdles a single mother faces. “The hospital wrote my father’s name in the box that asks for the child’s father’s name. It took me eight years to get it changed,” Sharma said. Jha asked if Sharma had faced any societal or other obstacles in raising her son. However, she said her child’s school staff was supportive, as were her friends. “I would tell my son, ‘You are the miracle of engineering,'” Sharma said.
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Motherhood, Institutions, Gender
The discussion also addressed institutional barriers that make it difficult for mothers to enter the workforce, such as a lack of breastfeeding rooms or nurseries. Bundelkhandi pointed out that cities often lack the support network that women find in rural areas, where children are often cared for and raised in a community setting. Pande added that despite its shortcomings, the Anganwadi system has made it easier for many women to enter the workforce.
Not everyone could agree with the divided views. A 23-year-old woman wanted to know how “good” working mothers were. To which Sharma said: “Why are working fathers never asked that?”
A male participant could not help but comment on Bundelkhandi’s statement that witnessing painful childbirths prevented her from getting pregnant. He was also not entirely happy that the discussion was not about good and bad mothers, but about whether or not one should become a biological mother. “Medical science has advanced today and provides pain-free childbirth. We have not discussed the role of the mother in the formative years of her child,” he said. He was immediately and firmly dismissed by another member of the audience before the panel could respond.
“If men could have children, their worldview and their opinion about motherhood would completely change,” Bundelkhandi added.
The discussion ended when an audience member shared her observation: “Could we separate the idea of motherhood from gender?” This sparked a burst of applause.
(Edited by Humra Laeeq)
