Dear Eric: The manager at my workplace volunteers with a group unrelated to our work. The volunteer group works with the court system to provide access to community resources for women recovering from substance abuse.
My colleagues and I hear our manager interacting with other volunteers in the group when they occasionally meet at our workplace: The manager loudly and exuberantly offers support to the other volunteers and promises limitless support to the women in recovery.
The problem is that whenever a participant in the rehabilitation program calls or walks by the director (whose office is in the back of the facility), the director quietly curses and denigrates the women.
Usually the manager comes out to greet the person anyway, making a huge show of it, promising further help and support but never seems to follow through.
This is heartbreaking for me and my colleagues, but it is completely consistent with the way the manager treats us employees on a daily basis. One of my colleagues is close to a volunteer in the rehabilitation program. Should he tell us how the manager really reacts to the women? – Information about volunteering
Ladies and Gentlemen Not all help is good help. If this manager is so open about her dislike for the people she claims to be helping, then it certainly shows in her volunteer work and has a negative impact on the women in recovery.
Your colleague should share your perspective with the volunteer group. If they’re any good, they’ll want to know. And if they don’t care, you’ll understand why the manager was attracted to them in the first place.
Dear Eric: My parents have a beautiful beach house by the ocean. I am a middle-aged woman and single mother of two who does not have to pay child support. I would love to invite families to come enjoy the beach with us, but do not want the added expense of being a hostess.
Even though I have a great career and a great job, I use the summer months to save for the high oil bills in the winter and the kids’ sports throughout the year.
Even providing hot dogs and hamburgers every weekend is too expensive for me. I need help writing an invitation that politely asks people to bring their own food/drinks without seeming stingy. I’m happy to provide the ice cream! Can you help? – All alone on the beach
Dear Beach: I think politeness and directness are closely related, so they may not be as easy to manage as you would like. But here are two options:
“We would love to serve and feed everyone, but with so many guests it’s not possible. So please bring what you and your children would like to eat and drink. Don’t worry, we have enough space in the fridge and freezer. And I’ll provide the ice cream!”
Or go the Airbnb-style logistical route. List what amenities people can expect (bedding perhaps, toilet paper, etc.) and create a “don’t forget” list that includes things like sunscreen, favorite board games, and food and drink for the weekend.
Don’t worry: you don’t sound stingy. You’re giving them a whole house. You should pay for your meals.
Dear Eric: Ten years ago, my partner and I moved to a new community and became friends with a neighbor whose initial friendliness impressed us greatly. The neighbor found out about my unemployment and generously arranged for me to get a job at his company.
In the professional environment, however, he literally turned into a Jekyll and Hyde, revealing a manipulative, devious and always malicious personality. His tirades regularly moved his colleagues to tears.
After a decade of being subjected to his tyranny, I took a job with another company and soon retired to another state.
Since then, he has contacted me regularly to tell me he misses us as neighbors and would like to visit. Although working for his company has enabled us to make future plans that were previously beyond our means, I lack the ability to place gratitude above the memories of the emotional abuse he subjected my colleagues and me to. My partner thinks I can put up with anything for a few days. Am I wrong to think otherwise? – Conflict-ridden reunion
Dear reunion: You’ve tolerated him for a decade; don’t spend another second with him.
They are grateful for his help in finding jobs, You did the work in that job and therefore the payment is not part of a neighborly favor. That transaction is complete. I can’t help but think that his taunts about a visit are also part of that Mr. Hyde side that he has. I mean, it makes you feel bad, doesn’t it? That’s what bullies do.
You can tell him, “You were a jerk at work and that’s why we can’t be friends,” or you can just say no and move on. It’s probably better to let a sleeping Hyde rest.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rricthomas.com.
