Two-Minute Drill: High school football games as well as Dolphins, Jaguars and Bucs
It’s one week of high school football preseason games, and the following week the regular season begins. The Bucs also face the Jaguars.
Hey, Dan Le Batard, we don’t stink, you do!!
I know that sounds childish, but after Dan and his team fired off their latest salvo on Wednesday after insulting Jacksonville and the Jaguars, he didn’t let up on Thursday.
Here’s how it went: Hour 2 of The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz began with the crew discussing my column defending Jacksonville on Wednesday.
My husband, Ten-Day Tony, who was not in attendance Wednesday but has rooted for the Jags in the past, told Dan that he would have defended Jacksonville and referred to us as “my people.”
His highly intelligent producer Jessica Smetana responded, “I tried to save you. I am grateful to the author of this story for admitting that I tried to save you. The fans of Jacksonville will not take this lightly.”
Well, she didn’t say my name, but I’m “the writer.” I was also a student journalist at UF and the Independent Florida Alligator in the late ’90s with her good buddy Izzy Gutierrez, so I have bona fides (pronounced “bona fee-days”).
Dan continued, “But I’m not wrong. Jacksonville fans care a lot about this, but outside of Jacksonville, nobody cares about the Jacksonville Jaguars.”
Jessica then reminded Dan that the Jaguars are the “Clemson fans’ team.” “I have to disagree with you there.”
Of course, Trevor Lawrence and Travis Etienne are both Clemson graduates who led the team to the national title.
And now, brothers of South Carolina, I urge you to rise up with us!
But then Dan had to continue: “I’ll give you Jacksonville and Clemson, those are the two regions where people would care a lot if Jacksonville made the Super Bowl. That’s all I give you, Duval. That’s all I give you, Florida Times-Union. And don’t threaten me with ‘you’ve woken a sleeping cat’ again, Le Batard. Your region smells different than other regions in the United States. That’s true, Jacksonville still smells bad.”
OK, really mature for a man in his mid-50s.
Sadly, JuJu Gotti, one of the show’s most positive personalities, had to add, “It smells like poop everywhere.”
Then guest host Amin Elhassim, who I am a huge fan of, answered: “What are you doing?”
Dan then said, “That’s right. Ask the poll question: Does Jacksonville stink?” I can only imagine how rude his nasty group of cult followers voted there.
Jessica added, “Honestly, I’ve driven through Jacksonville several times in the last three years. It’s one of those places you have to drive through to get from Miami to New York, and I’ve never noticed a smell. But next time I’ll roll down the windows.”
Then hockey fan Roy Bellamy chimed in: “I would keep going like this.”
Amin, one of the three sane people in the room (along with Tony and Jessica), then interjected: “What are you doing, Roy?”
Then Dan came up with the not-so-helpful answer: “It’s not strong enough to seep through the windows.”
To which Jessica asked, “It just smells like poop everywhere? I’ve never noticed that before.”
Dan concluded with, “You’ve never been outside in Jacksonville with the windows open? I didn’t mean to say poop, I didn’t know what that smelled like. I wanted to get closer to the paper mills, but I don’t know what paper mills smell like, and I know what poop smells like, and this is closer to poop than paper mills. Anyway, I’m sorry, Jacksonville.”
Amin concluded: “That doesn’t sound like an apology at all.”
No, Amin, it doesn’t. More sarcasm from the Lord of Ego.
Now let me address the comment “smells bad”.
Yes, there is a coffee factory right next to EverBank Stadium and sometimes you can smell coffee there, but other than that there is no noticeable smell in Jacksonville. That’s a ridiculous assumption.
Miami, on the other hand? Let’s talk about smells.
Dan lives in South Beach. He would talk regularly about the parking garage that he and his coworkers used to have to park in at the Clevelander Hotel. It smelled like urine. They would complain about it regularly. I would argue that there is a lot of urine smell in and around South Beach and Miami.
Miami has other distinctive smells, too. According to the Miami New Sun Times, “Miami’s beaches can smell like several things: salt water, marijuana smoke or the sunscreen-smeared flesh of burned tourists.”
That sounds inviting, doesn’t it?
And while we’re at it, let’s talk about the weather.
Miami is unbearable most of the year. In Jacksonville, temperatures are a bit more seasonal. In fact, bestplaces.net shows that Jacksonville has a comfort index of 7.2. Miami is at 6.4. They take a lot of data into account, so click on this link to read up on it.
Now let’s compare the traffic. Once you get past Stuart, the next hundred miles south are a nightmare. I-95? Nightmare. Turnpike? Nightmare? Every exit you take? Nightmare.
How about overpopulation? It’s overcrowded and overpriced. In Jacksonville, there’s plenty of room for comfortable growth at reasonable prices.
Let’s talk about corruption. Jacksonville Mayor Donna Deegan has a good reputation. Miami Mayor Francis Suarez doesn’t have the best reputation. I learned that from Dan Le Batard’s colleague Billy Corbin.
How about how the politicians in South Florida plowed up much of the eastern part of the Everglades? Really nice.
Dan, I will continue to defend the good citizens of Jacksonville.
You can use your podcast to disparage us, but remember: My podcast, The *State of Florida Sports Podcast, which is supported by the USA Today Network, recently won a major FSNE podcast award, and feedspot.com named me the best sports podcast in the state of Florida. I should mention that your buddy Jeremy Tache was behind me on the list.
In conclusion, I would like to say that it is not us who smell bad, but Miami that smells bad.
I would choose the Jacksonville area over Miami any day.
