“How to Do It” is Slate’s sex advice column. Do you have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

I’m a woman in my early 30s. Four years ago I met this guy named “Gary.” He’s about 10 years older than me and had been a widower since before I met him – his wife died in a car accident when she was very young. I was at a bad point in my life at the time; I was homeless, had serious drinking problems, owed money to some very bad people and was hiding from them. I’m honestly not sure I would still be here if he hadn’t taken me in and helped me get my life back on track and get back to a normal job.

I got my life back on track and moved out, but we’ve stayed close. I recently contacted him and tried to ask him out to see if we had chemistry. He’s great looking and very calm and pleasant to be around. I won’t deny that the white knight who came and saved me dynamic might be part of it, but it’s more than just gratitude: I really like him and would love to be with him.

He rejected me outright. He told me that the first night we met, as I was getting comfortable on the couch, he had been thinking about how I wasn’t really in a position to turn him down if he wanted sex, and that his wife had been dead for a while. Then he realized what a disgusting, scary thought that was, pulled himself together, and continued to care for me. I was surprised by this revelation, but I’m not going to label him as incorrigible forever just because he had an impulse years ago – especially not one he never acted on. But Gary seems to think that means we’ll be apart forever and there’s nothing he can do about it. Maybe I should just sit back and accept it, since I don’t really know how to change his mind, but that’s crazy, right? Is there any way I can make him understand that he’s not a monster? He certainly acted like I had revealed some terrible secret about him, and I don’t like what that did to him.

—Confused and alone

Rich Juzwiak: I’m conflicted about this revelation from him. First, it seems incredibly intimate to take someone through this thought process and reveal that he had this thought that someone might not approve of and might find predatory. That’s quite a confession. On the one hand, it seems potentially so real to me that. So why not believe it?

On the other hand, sometimes people confess things when there are other things going on beneath the surface. Maybe he’s not into you. This could be his way of giving you a really good explanation for why you can’t be together, when it might be something more fundamental. It could be a kind of distraction – “Look at this!” I don’t know exactly how to take that. It seems sincere to me, but maybe that’s the perfect thing about the story – that it appears really sincere.

Jessica Stoya: Maybe it’s sincere and yet another thing. Maybe both of your impulses are correct. Maybe he really did have the thought of how easy it would be to take advantage of her and he’s sharing it with her now because there’s no chemistry between him and her. He might think that by relating it to his impulse, which he finds shameful, he can somehow avoid saying, “No, I’m just not interested.”

And while sexualizing the daddy and/or mommy dynamic has been a hot new trend for a few years, nurturing can completely kill sexual interest—and it often does. It could be that Gary is suffering from a bit of mommy syndrome. All the care he’s put into helping this woman get back on her feet has made her feel like a person he cares about, not a person he’s sexualizing.

Of course, all I can think of right now is that one letter from the person who said that taking care of their partner turns them on. There are always exceptions that prove the rule, but the generalizations are there because, in general, they are… true.

Rich: Right. I think, overall, it’s just not the right dynamic for him, no matter how you go about it. How do you convince someone to like you? That sounds like a cliche from ’80s romantic comedies. Does that really happen? I know there are people who think of seduction as an art, or who think that the effort you put in might somehow pay off. But in general, I feel like life is a lot easier if you accept people and what they say. If they tell you, “I’m not into you,” you say, “Well, there are almost eight billion people in the world, so I’m just not going to waste my time on that person and move on to the next one.” That’s the most practical way to deal with it for me.

Jessica: I have a problem with the phrase “But that’s crazy, isn’t it?” None of that is crazy. It’s not cool to call people crazy for having limits and desires and stuff.

Rich: It’s not a judgement on their part either. No matter where you come from, no matter what you look like, there will always be someone in the world who says, “I’m not into it,” and that’s OK. The sooner you realize that and come to terms with it, the better. It doesn’t always work. That’s one of the advantages of the very free sexuality that exists in urban gay areas: you realize very quickly that you’re not everyone’s cup of tea and that rejection is a part of the experience. But so much happens that it doesn’t matter that much. You can get over it pretty quickly.

Jessica: I would say that since I got “hot” – the post-back brace, post-brace, post-hat, post-glasses that made one eye look bigger than the other (it was a real ugly duckling story) – I have had a 50%, 60%, tops success rate at hitting on people.

Rich: I think that would surprise people.

Jessica: And speaking of the apps, I can spend all day swiping yes on people and still end up with someone who wants to ask “How was your day?” every few days but never actually wants to meet up. We tell people that these things are normal because I experience them personally—and hear from friends who experience them. At porn conventions, men have come up to me and said, “Stoya, you’re not my type at all. I really like big boobs and big butts, and you don’t have either, but your brain is really interesting. And I’m glad other people find you attractive enough to make porn your career.” This conversation came up a lot.

Rich: Is it ever offensive?

Jessica: Not for me. I definitely have my little sore spots. When I wasn’t attractive to anyone, it hurt. Then when I saw how people treat you differently depending on whether they’re attracted to you or not, I never took it personally. None of it has anything to do with me. It’s about what the other person perceives to be my aesthetic value and whether they’re into that or not.

Rich: And they project you based on your appearance or your past accomplishments as a person. That’s another thing too. That you exist primarily as a fantasy in someone’s head. If you’ve done porn, that’s obviously even more intense. But I think in general, on apps and dating, people see you and immediately think, “Oh, that’s what it’s going to be like.” At that point, it’s really not about you. You’re just organized flesh taking on a completely different life in someone’s head.

I think it’s reasonable to assume that maybe this situation is just messed up for him. He said, “This is our dynamic. I cared about you. It’s just not going to be like this.” She’s in her early 30s. She’s confident enough to think it’s crazy that this guy isn’t into her. Then it’s conceivable that other guys are into her. Just find someone who does. There are plenty of men out there who may or may not care about you in a similar way, but other than the fact that this guy got her out of this really difficult situation, there doesn’t seem to be anything special here that tells me this is a love that needs to be fixed by being together. You had a moment, and now you can have more moments with someone else.

Jessica: From her feelings for Gary, she may conclude that she is looking for someone who is good-looking, very quiet, and a pleasure to be around. But don’t repay Gary for his help by forcing him and getting on his nerves.

Rich: Exactly. “I don’t really know how to change his mind.” Well, that’s the problem with other people’s opinions. You can’t really change them. Sexually, just assume that if someone tells you no, you can take it at face value unless they change their mind on their own. All you can do is play it cool. You know what? If you really want to change his mind, all you have to do is play it cool, accept his explanation, and let him set the pace. That’s all you can do. Do.

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I am a woman in my 40s and have been with my husband for 20 years. We are business partners and have two wonderful children. But as the years went by, our marital partnership took a back seat. We lost our personal connection and I felt lost, lonely and longed for the human connection and sexual satisfaction that I no longer had with my husband. So I had an affair that came about quite naturally with a man who was also in an unhappy marriage. We all know each other through our children.