Parenthood never ends. It just changes, like when you get fired from your job but then get rehired as a consultant with better hours and less responsibility.
However, I am grateful that I no longer have to deal with raising little people, not only because I am totally exhausted, but because being a parent has become increasingly difficult for me.
When my first baby was born, the internet was still a baby, so we devoured books instead. We did this for the same reasons that new parents, usually mothers, scroll through endless pages at 2 a.m., typing in search terms like “my baby won’t stop crying.”
Even in the old days, such as the 1990s, there were fierce divisions and camps in parenting. Attachment-oriented parenting competed with strict schedules, breastfeeding with bottle-feeding.
Strangers felt compelled to comment on the parenting practices of young mothers at a time when they are most vulnerable to postnatal hormone surges.
Today, all of this is grotesquely amplified by the insane algorithmic dance of the internet, where a single search on social media shows you multiple copies of the same content.
Even if you’re supernaturally calm, lack of sleep will make you as much of a wreck as any other new parent.
When added to the flood of protectiveness and unconditional love (or, in the case of postnatal depression, the numbness and darkness) brought on by birth, the likely result is pervasive fear.
The internet is designed to exploit anxiety to keep you scrolling to find that elusive dopamine hit that will help you burp a screaming baby. Once the crisis-ridden first three months are over, the search can turn to making sure your child doesn’t develop axe-murderer tendencies as a result of your poor parenting.
In the Internet age, all predictable cycles run at warp speed, so I became aware of gentle parenting just in time for the backlash to come.
Honestly, it sounded great. What could be better than being a loving parent?
Apparently, however, some manifestations involve the instruction to never use the word “no” or “stop” except in extreme emergencies. It’s about using scripts to guide your toddler through big emotions, showing empathy, and offering choices.
This is where the slightest concern begins. Many of the reactions talk about children growing up to be self-centered monsters, but I am more concerned about the consequences for the parents.
I have no parenting experience other than a small sample of four children who have shown no axe-murdering tendencies. (There is still time.)
As a teacher, I have observed parenting styles from a distance, using a sample of thousands, and not one bit more scientifically.
I’ve just learned that nothing works for every child. For example, when I offered one of my children choices, they were often rejected by all of them.
One responded to logic. Another often took it as a personal insult. One hated conflict and literally ran away from it. Another believed that the only possible way was to spend half a day arguing out a minor conflict until every nuance was examined. And so on.
New parents are exhausted and, with few exceptions, doing the best they can in a society with individualistic priorities that make parenting difficult. (Just because we’re not as terrible as the U.S. at things like maternity leave doesn’t mean we’re family-friendly.)
People often live far away from their parents and their home communities. No wonder they rely on the internet and often feel even more overwhelmed when the influencer’s wisdom doesn’t work for little Rían or little Raya.
I have good news for parents that may seem like bad news. You have neither the power to completely shape your child nor the ability to make him or her perfect.
And childhood does not determine everything that happens later in a person’s life. We all know people who come out of broken homes as decent, funny and caring people. We also all know parents who do their best and the child still goes off track.
Babies are born with deeply ingrained personality traits. These are not unchangeable, but if we are lucky, we can usually soften the harder edges and enhance the better personality traits.
The other good news is that parenting is deeply rewarding, and there is something to be learned from virtually every parenting approach. Maintaining as much inner peace as possible, for example, is helpful, and learning to apologize when you make mistakes is even more helpful.
However, many current parenting methods seem to ignore any kind of parental intuition, not to mention intergenerational wisdom. Others assume you have endless time, only one child, and communication skills on the level of an international hostage negotiator.
So maybe we should turn off our screens and acknowledge that raising our children is a hard job that no one can completely do, while also being grateful for the privilege of experiencing the fun, laughter, and moments of pure joy that come with raising our children.
